Pre Freddie II: Loneliness

Often, while alone or surrounded by people; I would look around what surrounded me and pity myself for how all of it made me feel.

Do you know Freddie, I’d trace my hand on my face like how a lover would or how my mother would and found, it pierced my heart no matter who I compared it too. My touch and theirs caused such pain to me, why couldn’t I accept their affection?

Why did it feel so burdensome like I’d have to repay it later?

I was that person.

Standing under the rain, and let my tears run because the world just locked me inside my head but I could still laugh and try to catch raindrops. Doing this all the time, confused me profoundly. It killed whatever spark would try to rise and made me doubt my thoughts. If what I did and felt were never in cohorts; then who was I really?

And I know nobody’s to blame for that. Luckily I saw you that one time, and wrote you that letter for the first time; I was just really talking to myself in a way I never could.

You helped me. You still do.

It was never about you reading anything or not, just that I could be honest with myself for once, see my state of mind for what it was, how it was…even though it was always temporary, the release helped me greatly. I was alone but didn’t mind it.

Gradually, I didn’t mind my own thoughts and when they got overwhelming; still couldn’t win; there was a way for me to just bare it easier.

See, without knowing me; you were already holding my hand.

It never was about you loving me or not, it was about that peace and belonging I couldn’t find even if I tried.

Quicksand from Beautiful Reborn Flower


The body temperature I once owned
Who will hug her tightly
The waves of memory are eroding the soul
I can only lick my scars alone

Precious burning expression in her eyes
Who will she look at with deep feelings
The wave of memory pushes me into darkness
I tried hard but couldn’t reach the other side

Memories slowly turn into quicksand
I can’t struggle
I sink deeper and deeper
The more I love, the more I hurt
But I’m loath to give up

Time slowly turns into quicksand
I can no longer struggle
Until the moment of death
I can’t stop missing her.

https://youtu.be/S4hDzYNQeUQ

Midst Freddie

I’m in love with you.
I love you.

Do you know, you’re my world. I don’t meant it in a I’m trying to be flamboyant way but literally all I see and care about is you.

I don’t think I can ever explain it in a way that would make sense. But you see Freddie, I don’t keep memories. I try to hold onto some for as long as I can; good or bad but they never last. Soon what was the worst day of my life seems to have never happened and what was one of the best days of my life suddenly isn’t actually anything.

Unless it has to do with you…

I remember the first time I saw you.
I remember the first thing you ever said to me.
I remember how you make me feel and fight with myself to keep that feeling.

I love you.

It’s a simple thing really, I was alive before you came into my life but now I want to live.

I want to smile and feel that smile after it’s left.
I want to pick petty fights with you over what shape the cloud is.
I want to argue about the best colour that goes better with you eyes.
All the things that make my heart skip a beat, with your I want to overdo them.

I’m in love with Freddie, me; I’m in love with you.

I hope now that I’ve realized it, I cherish it for what it means to me and never let myself win. I shouldn’t…

Keep me. Please do.

Beyond My Destiny

Beyond my destiny is where I want to reach
I long for the place and time
The girl leaves me to play
With her life
And I get a good night’s rest

This girl, this damned girl
Never quiet
Now I hardly remember my own thoughts

I’ve reasoned with her before
But she whines
Cries at first sign of it won’t happen
Who spoilt her so
Not her parents I’d say
They’re something
I can hardly say anything
So something will do

I choked her once
My conscious berated me
It’ll be painful – whine
You’ll feel it too – whine
And went outta my way
Bought a bottle full of pills
In the end, I took two for the headache
Damn miser

Why, oh dear Lord why
I feel pity for her
Looking at her locked up in you should be something
Said who tell me!
Her father buys her food since he can’t cook
And her mother won’t say you’re a failure
Yet she tells me her dreams
And I carry them on my shoulder
Cause I can’t escape
I’m begging for one night

This girl, this damned girl
Never quiet
Now I hardly remember my own thoughts

Beyond my destiny I hope
Will be where we part
And her life, is no longer a place
She wants to escape

New Light By Marvel Jay

Quietly 
Without warning 
Being young left me unprepared 
I'm baffled now 
Without any hint 
Pacing corners of my life 
And days that are gone 
If they left unnoticed 
Or was I sleep walking 
Thinking my eyes will take all in 
But innocently 
I'm entering adulthood 
With mother's hand petting my shoulder 
Dusting off those worries 
Into this new light that's blinding 
I miss you nonchalance 
Father took most of the harsh winds 
And I could leisure 
In my dreams 
Who knew then, I didn't 
I'd turn around 
Time wouldn't be my friend 
But a harbourer 
Of all worries 
I once asked mother why she bothered 
Now loudly 
So very loud 
I mourn those impressions 
My young self held at her bedside table 
Saying tomorrow is a chapter 
Today gave sincerely notice 
On how to continue 
Yet never shedding it's personality
I've been a fool 
Undoubtedly I'll be a fool 
For I'm still sitting here 
And time, my dear old friend 
sitting besides me 
But not taking me along  
On a journey I could make my own. 

Broken By Marvel Jay

Im not broken
I refute it
See, my mother didn’t scold me
My father bought bought me clothes
How can I be swallowed by
The world
When I don’t remember my first
Glimpse of it?
I don’t accept

I’m smiling now
Crying alone you see
And catching my own tears
Has given me a new dream
I’ll stand up
Till I’m convinced I’m standing

How can I be mellow?
So mother never held my hand
But my first cut
She scolded the girl that pushed me down
And father said nothing
Yet his eyes closed when I flinched
It’s love
My parents warmth

No.
I won’t agree
I can’t sleep yes
But it’s my negligence
I ask God many questions
He doesn’t answer
But I’ve seen so many pictures
He’s there when the wind is blowing
This world too is there
It gives me the sun, and I can
Love the light it let’s me have

I’m smiling now
Talking to myself has let me know
Who I’ll always need
If I’m scolded by days that go
And leave just fling of their presence
I know how to tell myself stories
This is my own comfort

I’m not broken
I just have a paper cut
From many illusions
I lived alone and couldn’t share
They touched me
Left with many memories
I could never tell a soul
Without being asked when

Pre Freddie

Did I ever tell you, I saw you smile from afar once and that smile centred me.

I’d never seen anyone in my life be that light I could focus on. It intrigued me and decided for me before we even met. Naturally, I wanted to know the mind behind that brilliance. Because I’m an obsessive person by nature, I followed you till that smile was aimed at me.

You might know this now, how I grew up and where I grew up. To me everything was always about what can be done next for tomorrow to be more promising. So happiness was a leisure I’d never quite got a hold on.

Seeing you so open and relaxed, for the first time I took note of someone and wanted to be noticed too.

The point is,

Before you even had a place for me in your life, your smile was already my dream catcher. All I had to do when I felt myself drown was close my eyes and you’d be there, anchoring me.

How could something like that ever be simple?

You, my dear Freddie even without us being romantically entangled, are the person holding me sane.

I can’t change that now. I don’t think I ever want to. And I know you might find it unfair to you but I’m this person, this person that without you, without knowing you’re out there, without knowing you’re living; no matter who you’re living with…

Would be drowning in too many maybes, to many what can I do, who am I and why am I here.

It’s nice knowing you, Freddie.

Post Freddie

Freddie,

For so long you held on, I can finally admit that and put the blame on myself. I can’t be regretful now it’ll demean what I felt, I can’t apologise when moments we spent together gave you a lifeline to walk a little further with me.

I, I don’t know what to say.

Lately, I thought explaining myself would make both our hurt lessen but it’s lie I’m not willing to say out loud. I wronged us both, letting who I can be get in the way of who I wanted to be. It was never a conscious choice; I realize you knew this and that might be why you could smile while you were hurting.

I feel weak. I feel so very weak.

When I think of how you always looked at me, I’m seeing that look for what it meant. You were pleading, begging for me to look outside my head and I guess I wasn’t that strong yet. It doesn’t mean you weren’t enough, it just means the time wasn’t aligning with our wants.

I looked at you, it pained me too. Because what I felt and how I acted were two different things. I don’t know why… I can never understand why.

I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to say it but I feel I should say it at least once.

You did the best thing for us when you left. Hurting you while feeling so deeply for you was the worst relationship for me. If anything, know I had love for you; that was never a problem.

I only didn’t have love for myself when I was with you. Seeing you loving me as you did, drove me mad with jealousy. It made me wonder why,

Why I couldn’t love myself that way.

Need, Somebody

It's the anthem of this country 
I need somebody to love 
So I'll sing 

I pour my sorrows 
Down this parched throat 
So they'll burn these words 
Of a song 
I cannot escape 
Somebody, somebody 

It's a ridicule of this land 
Not to stand a mirror 
Whilst eyes reflect 
I need somebody to hold 

I'm a rebel 
What do you think I need 
I'm all alone 
Drowning, sinking 
I will... 

Does it start 
When I'm standing alone 
With both hands open 
Yet catch no dreams 
What's loving if I'll turn from myself 
The anthem of this nation 
Somebody, somebody 

Catch me before I fall 
Fighting for my freedom 
Has taken this soul 
Through I want to be for myself 
Though could never be for itself 
If I could be...
I'm a rebel 
Sinner

I need 
But it's not loneliness 
The dread of never 
The anthem of this land 
I need somebody to hold

14.13.12

The goodness in me
Hides behind
Yesterday I tried
And while I didn’t trip
I’m standing with only
Shadows not knowing they’ll follow
I won’t change my face

One step forward
Then stand still

I’m a souviner
Of those generations that dreamt
And told themselves
To pave the way
Not erase their pain
But let the grass that’s burnt
Find strength from
What was shed till
It’s colour can say it all

One step back
Two steps forward
Then stand still

So I’ve no better words to say
If it’s gladness
My shadow won’t follow me around
This I know
I was good, wasn’t I?
Tomorrow I don’t know
My goodness
Called you from a place
I cannot change my face

One step back
Two steps forward
Three steps back
Then stand still

I’ll let those to come
Have a say in their steps

One step back
Two steps forward
Three steps back
Four steps forward
Then stand still