It’s not unheard of, the story I want to tell you. In the beginning I thought it might be an introduction from me to you but soon even that wasn’t a part of the picture, maybe I developed a liking to listening to myself talk or I never really wanted to say anything regarding what I needed to talk about but I spoke and I spoke a lot nevertheless leaving out what I needed to get out.
So here it is, while listening to me do your best to leave your tears where they are now and make sure your eyes don’t meet mine or forget your request, I do it this one time and no more. Here it is;
I didn’t know from the beginning that my thoughts would not be supported by what will happen, and I know you might say if I wanted it that badly I would’ve done everything I could to make sure it happened and maybe that has a degree of truth to many things, but to this it doesn’t because it wasn’t just only about me, it was about Freddie too, mostly about him since I was the girl that proposed to him.
I fell in love abundantly, I did everything for my love and thought if I were true to my love then it wouldn’t change or assume any other direction. How could I have known, whether the change was sprouted by me or if along the way I wanted something else, none of it matters in the end because of how I am now, what you see and always comparing it to how I used to be.
What else can I say? That love was my faith, it was the reason why blue and white were not a same colour, why I would go out by myself just to take a walk with no destination in mind. You will say what you will, that my love for Freddie wasn’t the faith but the idea of loving him was but what difference is there between what you say and how I viewed it? Had it not been for him in the first place, I would still be running around chasing butterflies and letting them go soon as they’re caught.
You misunderstand once again, I could never regret the world Freddie opened my eyes to, sure now it feels like I won’t ever enter that world or to be precise like I don’t want anyone else to be associated with me in order to enter; you have to understand exactly that I put myself out there , my thoughts, my aspirations in order to be one with Freddie, at times it wasn’t just only those, even my soul would leave me while he wasn’t next to me and I didn’t notice it before or I did but the feeling was beyond any accurate description I could give that I didn’t mind at all till it wasn’t there anymore. This is really what being with him was for me, it was my going beyond the stars and getting to a place that didn’t belong to anyone else but me; this place no matter how much I try or wish, I could never get back.
Whenever you ask me to tell you what went wrong, how it began to feel rotten; I could never exactly tell you what you want to hear because there’s no exact moment or point in time. I might point fingers at myself or Freddie but the truth is, none of us know; none of us could’ve predicted it would end. You have to know what Freddie means to me, what he will always mean.
This is no longer about right or wrong, pain or not; it just didn’t work. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt, I’m just saying as much as I would like to go over it again and again, it won’t do me good to keep lingering on what could’ve been when it’s already lost.
I fell in love with Freddie when I was young, maybe too young or not but regardless of when and how, he is another definition when looking into who I am. Because Freddie for better or worse is the reason why I can look at myself now and remember to go on for another day, he is the reason why even when I feel like I can’t get up, like I’ve had enough I can tolerate for a little while longer till that time has passed and maybe to you it might sound exaggerated but it’s not, even now living is what hurts me the most.
My thoughts unbind is what Freddie tamed and without him, I can’t see anything or hear anything but myself and this, this is the pain I live with everyday. Someday you will understand and when you do, I hope I’m still taking it one step at a time because you see, I’m only a step to letting my mind take over maybe then I’ll reach that place I used to when I looked into Freddie’s eyes.
It’s like I said, I don’t like talking about myself in this manner…