Letters To Freddie: 18

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I saw you as religion,
not being religious;

I saw your as purpose,
being lazy;

I saw you as principle,
not knowing my conscience;

I saw you as truth,
having walked on shades;

the time I dedicated to us,
I did so very obediently;

I maintained honesty,
only how I knew to be honest.

Letters To Freddie: 23

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I remained there, where you left me
and not hope held my steps,
I stood wondering
overanalyzing perhaps what had passed
not how to repeat it
but if presented another chance
to live how I’ve been,
would I change or remain the same
and not knowing definitely
is what had me rooted.

Letters To Freddie: 22

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There;

Before my eyes knew to seek you,
I would cast them past even
my heart’s attractions.

In truth, I was in this hunt
doubtedly a hunt,
I was undergoing denial
fearful, trying my hardest to know
beyond reasonable doubt that
I could give,
how I would be given.

And you stepped in my line of sight
Before,
and I couldn’t erase that capture
your image my wallpaper
before, before I could
surmise the truth both in mind and soul

You were there
there already an axis

Knowingly, I accepted you
with a cowering point of mine
I accepted your enticing lure
when I hadn’t accepted myself.

I was greedy.

There,

Until you found me where I thought
I’d hidden, out of sight.

Letters To Freddie: Confessions

I felt the moment I started to understand myself, not precisely my conscious was the moment I started to fear the possibility of ending up alone. Don’t get me, wrong I’m not morally corrupt or can say there’s a line I won’t cross since I feel I haven’t been tested enough to make such a claim but I know, if push comes to shove; I would likely throw myself of a cliff and let you live with guilt; doesn’t this push me far from God’s grace?

This disregard of the life I have, the life that many people cherish and has become a burden to me made it abundantly clear, I could never possibly allow another to enter it with faith and trust, I’m truly not capable of such purity. It makes me feel pity, because I had always felt, if there’s anything that I knew was pure in this world, would be trust in what I’ve committed myself to, whether what I do for a living or cause I choose to follow and the given leisure /love to me by someone that felt I was worthy of them laying all their ugliness, hypocrisy, strengths and doubts in because of looking into my eyes, being with me made them appreciate all they had been through; it made it all worth it and wished they had met me even before they were who they were when they met me yet are beyond mesmerizingly grateful. I had always thought, if anything I would hold that faith till the time I close my eyes and breathe a sigh of relief for having lived so long.

Am I truly that ugly? I’ve been wondering about this fact and don’t know how to answer the question. What is ugly, my spirit is not filled with desire to conquer or acquire yet there’s scorn I can’t deny, for things I wished I had done and those I do but wish I had never done. I think my appearance isn’t what I’ve ever relied on so I could never truly state it’s not the standard any would abhor. My heart lacks experience because it’s impatient way has taken lead too many times and didn’t forgive or give chances, it left when unsatisfied, left when its curiosity was fulfilled, left even when it felt the colour diminish. This fickleness, does show a form of naivety that turns cheeky; makes any wonder if the ever was truth to where I stood, what I said and when I appeared. Couldn’t it mean my level of commitment wasn’t guaranteed and held no importance at all? This is ugliness, isn’t it? The kind that keeps my most desires away and would never let me know any happiness. This sight, says to many that get close enough to notice that while I am an intrigue, I am not one that lasts forever.

I had wished for long to die before I hate myself any more. But I’m not courageous enough to take my life, and feel I can’t ask God for such a thing. In turn I’ve started to ridicule myself, I never held any high hopes or thought anything special of my existence of course, I just, one time I thought I would know what it was like to feel appreciation for oneself, to acknowledge being human and be proud of that humanity but it seems I wished for too much, so much so I’ve started crying when I look in the mirror or laugh in ridicule; I hate what I say, even pampering the very same face; I wish it was something I could never see yet I know, even if I never saw the face again, the thoughts would remain the same and it brings back to death, perhaps that would be the greatest escape.

This has become my prayer.

Letters To Freddie : 14

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Your heart is suffocating,
Please, let me out!

I don’t want to be in here anymore
Let me out,

Lest I break free
And leave a tare, that’s painful to stitch

Don’t make me regret my time with you
When it’s clear we’re no longer comfortable

Let me go…

Keeping me, for what used to be
Will turn our memories into regrets

Please,
I want to leave from here.

Post Freddie: Overview

It’s not unheard of, the story I want to tell you. In the beginning I thought it might be an introduction from me to you but soon even that wasn’t a part of the picture, maybe I developed a liking to listening to myself talk or I never really wanted to say anything regarding what I needed to talk about but I spoke and I spoke a lot nevertheless leaving out what I needed to get out.

So here it is, while listening to me do your best to leave your tears where they are now and make sure your eyes don’t meet mine or forget your request, I do it this one time and no more. Here it is;

I didn’t know from the beginning that my thoughts would not be supported by what will happen, and I know you might say if I wanted it that badly I would’ve done everything I could to make sure it happened and maybe that has a degree of truth to many things, but to this it doesn’t because it wasn’t just only about me, it was about Freddie too, mostly about him since I was the girl that proposed to him.

I fell in love abundantly, I did everything for my love and thought if I were true to my love then it wouldn’t change or assume any other direction. How could I have known, whether the change was sprouted by me or if along the way I wanted something else, none of it matters in the end because of how I am now, what you see and always comparing it to how I used to be.

What else can I say? That love was my faith, it was the reason why blue and white were not a same colour, why I would go out by myself just to take a walk with no destination in mind. You will say what you will, that my love for Freddie wasn’t the faith but the idea of loving him was but what difference is there between what you say and how I viewed it? Had it not been for him in the first place, I would still be running around chasing butterflies and letting them go soon as they’re caught.

You misunderstand once again, I could never regret the world Freddie opened my eyes to, sure now it feels like I won’t ever enter that world or to be precise like I don’t want anyone else to be associated with me in order to enter; you have to understand exactly that I put myself out there , my thoughts, my aspirations in order to be one with Freddie, at times it wasn’t just only those, even my soul would leave me while he wasn’t next to me and I didn’t notice it before or I did but the feeling was beyond any accurate description I could give that I didn’t mind at all till it wasn’t there anymore. This is really what being with him was for me, it was my going beyond the stars and getting to a place that didn’t belong to anyone else but me; this place no matter how much I try or wish, I could never get back.

Whenever you ask me to tell you what went wrong, how it began to feel rotten; I could never exactly tell you what you want to hear because there’s no exact moment or point in time. I might point fingers at myself or Freddie but the truth is, none of us know; none of us could’ve predicted it would end. You have to know what Freddie means to me, what he will always mean.

This is no longer about right or wrong, pain or not; it just didn’t work. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt, I’m just saying as much as I would like to go over it again and again, it won’t do me good to keep lingering on what could’ve been when it’s already lost.

I fell in love with Freddie when I was young, maybe too young or not but regardless of when and how, he is another definition when looking into who I am. Because Freddie for better or worse is the reason why I can look at myself now and remember to go on for another day, he is the reason why even when I feel like I can’t get up, like I’ve had enough I can tolerate for a little while longer till that time has passed and maybe to you it might sound exaggerated but it’s not, even now living is what hurts me the most.

My thoughts unbind is what Freddie tamed and without him, I can’t see anything or hear anything but myself and this, this is the pain I live with everyday. Someday you will understand and when you do, I hope I’m still taking it one step at a time because you see, I’m only a step to letting my mind take over maybe then I’ll reach that place I used to when I looked into Freddie’s eyes.

It’s like I said, I don’t like talking about myself in this manner…

Letters To Freddie: 03

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Before long and not knowing how or where it began, you started making me smile. I can’t honestly say it wasn’t romantically based but I know it was something I looked forward to. I became greedy and unsatisfied by what I allowed myself to be immersed in, because I found someone I was not envious of, someone I felt neither inferior nor superior to, someone who made me wish to delve the depths of their mind, know the inner workings of their thoughts and most importantly; someone who kept me content with only myself.

Romance tends to sour,
Love tends to fade,
I wanted you to be my family.