Midst Freddie VI: Last Dip.

Freddie, writing is my language
If words coming out my mouth
are unsatisfactory
give me pen and paper
There you’ll know my honesty.

Now in my rage,
I will tare the paper
into million others.

…bring me forth
first page that ever
let my hand succumb to
the seduction of giving my
unregistered thoughts a
country to live in.

I don’t know how to face you anymore. I don’t know where to put you in my life anymore. I can’t let you go but I don’t want to have you either; it’s the kind of situation you have to make the decision for both of us.

I’ll never want to move on from us…

Freddie,
We began but the spiral
of combining both our fates
has tilted me on the side
of driving myself insane
with the spiral of finding myself.

With me, saying too much.

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Midst Freddie V: Waiting Not So Patiently

Isn’t it funny Freddie, how I used to be the one that would get annoyed and not speak to anyone; now when you get annoyed you include me in anyone.

Back then, there wasn’t you. But when I told you about it, you said no matter what, I should always talk to you, you talked that habit out of me and didn’t talk it out of yourself?

I don’t understand it. Does this mean I should do for you what you did for me or let you sort it out yourself? I’ve never been in a situation like this. Not knowing what to do but knowing there must be something I can do.

I want you to tell me, to rely on me as well.

Then, gradually
By many collected memories
And sins,
Those times I drank
Took my eyes to look besides
I wished
By the clear waters of the sea
The eerie calmness of a lit sky
If even by my dreaming
To hold your hand once.

My walk in life
has left me
Few paces
behind where you’ve been.
Greeting your shadow
telling it not to run…

This window is closed.

Then, timidly
I presume
You’d love me too
.

I’m a good listener, even if I’m not, I will be for you.

Please, tell me what’s bothering you.

Seeing you in that condition, your eyes so dull and no smile on your face, is a picture I can honestly say I don’t want to print.

Selfish, Self-centered or not; I want you in good and bad…

Midst Freddie IV: The List

Yes Freddie. Now you know, while you know about my life; you really don’t know me. You don’t know me at all.

What you regard as knowing me, to me is only my biography and nothing more, those are easy things for me to talk about. I have a family, they are how they are and I’ve told you all about them.

So, when you wanted to say something that might make me be more open, my family isn’t one to get me there.

What does this say?

All the while I thought we were getting to know each other, it seems you really weren’t getting to know me. I must say I’m disappointed, a little because I thought of all people you would know me best.

I think I’ve always said,
My thoughts are the only things I can call my own. My feelings are the only things I know can never lead me wrong, no matter how simple, immature or not pleasant, they’re things I can always say are mine and can’t be replicated. To just be…

So simple.

Oh Freddie, it’s not that I don’t care about all I’ve told you but they aren’t my stories, my thoughts, my feelings. Those have other people’s experiences in them and if you asked my family what they thought, their answers wouldn’t be the same as mine; how could you have thought that that was as important to me as well, me?

I, I am how I am and by now I thought, you might have had a little clue.

So to answer your questions, on my list

I. God
II. My Family
III. Freddie
IV.
V.


But Freddie, even if you give up on me, you’ll always be on my list because to me, you’re that person I always told what mattered to me; though now it seems to you it wasn’t something you took seriously.

Midst Freddie II: Drowning

Sorry.

You called today and I was absent. It’s the first time I’m ignoring you, I don’t know what to say. You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m there at that place I go frequently and never take anyone with.

I’m sad but my sadness has nothing to do with you. I told you this before, I thought it wouldn’t happen now since I’ve been so happy lately but I guess I was wrong.

I want to be alone Freddie, I want to be alone.

I’m hurting myself and fighting hard to get back to you. I promise I am, just give me some time. After a few songs, dragons, magic and some romance books; I’ll be back. Be patient with me.

I know what you’re going to say; I shouldn’t hide myself when I’m drowning but of all things, I don’t want to see myself through your eyes when I’m barely holding onto myself. Please…

I’m sorry.

I can’t promise it won’t happen again. What does this mean for us then because I know I don’t want to loose you. You’re leading me back, your memories are paving a way for me to follow. I promise I’ll be back soon, no later than our next date.

We’re still identifying ourselve as a couple, so I’ll tell you later on in detail what’s wrong with me.

I don’t ever wanna lie to you.

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Midst Freddie

I’m in love with you.
I love you.

Do you know, you’re my world. I don’t mean it in a I’m trying to be flamboyant way but literally all I see and care about is you.

I don’t think I can ever explain it in a way that would make sense. But you see Freddie, I don’t keep memories. I try to hold onto some for as long as I can; good or bad but they never last. Soon what was the worst day of my life seems to have never happened and what was one of the best days of my life suddenly isn’t actually anything.

Unless it has to do with you…

I remember the first time I saw you.
I remember the first thing you ever said to me.
I remember how you make me feel and fight with myself to keep that feeling.

I love you.

It’s a simple thing really, I was alive before you came into my life but now I want to live.

I want to smile and feel that smile after it’s left.
I want to pick petty fights with you over what shape the cloud is.
I want to argue about the best colour that goes better with you eyes.
All the things that make my heart skip a beat, with your I want to overdo them.

I’m in love with Freddie, me; I’m in love with you.

I hope now that I’ve realized it, I cherish it for what it means to me and never let myself win. I shouldn’t…

Keep me. Please do.

Midst Freddie: Freddie wants what?

Here Freddie,

Take my hand, it belongs to you. I’ve been trying to hold onto my sanity but my fingers can’t wrap around such an elusive entity. My hand can’t hold onto what is mine without yours being a priority.

Tell it what to do, Freddie. Tell it, or I’ll spend my life wondering why everything always slipped through my fingers. Please Freddie, just…

Do you know, I tried to write my story Freddie but I can’t remember who I am. Who I was is what I see when I travel back and it’s written is such a language, growth cannot be possible only change. What have you done?

Freddie you, you…So I took your face, was that my fault? You knew who I was when you looked at me side ways, my right side smiled more often and you spoke only to who you thought I was. How could I Freddie, when I’ve never trusted myself…

Freddie you, you…

I’m a two faced woman you say. Freddie. Freddie. Freddie.

Listen, I told you from the beginning I was still finding myself. So I laughed to hide my faults, who could’ve been there to wipe away tears that I never knew to shed?

Take everything Freddie

No, not everything; take forever too.

You know I’m on the road away from sleep. Sleep Freddie sleep, searching for feelings you’re telling me I’m supposed to have. Whoever she was, even the mirror doesn’t recognize her. Or have you taken her too and are deliberately killing me with this chase?

Now my sleep, I miss it being away but its turned into a blank page with no face, its turning into you.

Freddie, remember I’d last slept next to you, maybe in my rest I sunk into you.

I don’t know Freddie, I want to give you what your anger seems to take but you, you make me search for stars you claim you saw when the sun was out and I wasn’t looking through your eyes then.

Oh Freddie, you don’t know. I buried your face far beneath with our moments that no one knows about. We are truly a secret now. How long will you punish me, can’t my hand be enough compensation as I’m never going to hold onto anything any longer?

You loved me once Freddie, remember, this two faced woman. You once loved she could cry and laugh at once. What changed?

I know, I know! You met someone, forget me then?

Dear Freddie…