Letters To Freddie: 07

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In sickness?
I wasn’t suffocating.

But when silence became a third person in our already trying time, I couldn’t wait to open the window.

“How are you?”
I can’t say this, your eyes said so.

Freddie, haven’t I always been ill? Because you found me that way or I was born with it, it was more acceptable?

Don’t I love you the same way?

And now I’m walking, being around too lightly I find it hard to breathe.

What do I say to make everything not so paper thin?

I reminisce you show me your state, I’m hopeful it seems you’ll fall asleep; I talk about our future and you turn your head.

My heart might be strong to withstand it but I’m afraid, when your eyes clear; my mind would’ve already blackened my sight.

Everyone is saying the same thing, it doesn’t matter how strong I’d like to be for you; not when my mind has never been strong for myself.

Get better soon, Freddie. Get well soon.

I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold on…


Letters To Freddie: 10

Hey, not so long ago you were confident in loneliness baring all the brunt,
but I see you’re tan now;
was your loneliness not thick skinned as you thought?

Your lips are all parched, so nourish leaves them too
and you’ve lied to yourself subliminally;
that your senses are confused at the state
your mouth is in,
all dried up you see…

When will you concede?

I’ll tell you what, come to my bed; it has no black sheet and the scent is that of winter; see how I remember your likes?

Oh, you’re still asleep. No, I don’t believe that’s sleep; it’s more you’re hoping your star is still on it’s way.

I’m sorry, it’s too sad to laugh at but all I have for you is laughter.

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Love, I’ve waited for too long now it feels I’ve become immortal waiting; as my eyes no longer move but are fixed on a certain star I’ve gambled with fate to lead my way again.

When was I every young?

Is it cruelty when it’s brought me a side of many emotions,
and now they’re all muddled?

I used to laugh.

Mother, didn’t you say to wait and waiting would bring if not my desire but it’s shadow; even then I’d have taken off my loneliness for a second hand dress to walk on a wobbly road?

Where is it hiding?

But another year has passed,
what day it now;
how old am I?

Midst Freddie VI: Last Dip.

Freddie, writing is my language
If words coming out my mouth
are unsatisfactory
give me pen and paper
There you’ll know my honesty.

Now in my rage,
I will tare the paper
into million others.

…bring me forth
first page that ever
let my hand succumb to
the seduction of giving my
unregistered thoughts a
country to live in.

I don’t know how to face you anymore. I don’t know where to put you in my life anymore. I can’t let you go but I don’t want to have you either; it’s the kind of situation you have to make the decision for both of us.

I’ll never want to move on from us…

Freddie,
We began but the spiral
of combining both our fates
has tilted me on the side
of driving myself insane
with the spiral of finding myself.

With me, saying too much.

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Midst Freddie V: Waiting Not So Patiently

Isn’t it funny Freddie, how I used to be the one that would get annoyed and not speak to anyone; now when you get annoyed you include me in anyone.

Back then, there wasn’t you. But when I told you about it, you said no matter what, I should always talk to you, you talked that habit out of me and didn’t talk it out of yourself?

I don’t understand it. Does this mean I should do for you what you did for me or let you sort it out yourself? I’ve never been in a situation like this. Not knowing what to do but knowing there must be something I can do.

I want you to tell me, to rely on me as well.

Then, gradually
By many collected memories
And sins,
Those times I drank
Took my eyes to look besides
I wished
By the clear waters of the sea
The eerie calmness of a lit sky
If even by my dreaming
To hold your hand once.

My walk in life
has left me
Few paces
behind where you’ve been.
Greeting your shadow
telling it not to run…

This window is closed.

Then, timidly
I presume
You’d love me too
.

I’m a good listener, even if I’m not, I will be for you.

Please, tell me what’s bothering you.

Seeing you in that condition, your eyes so dull and no smile on your face, is a picture I can honestly say I don’t want to print.

Selfish, Self-centered or not; I want you in good and bad…

Midst Freddie IV: The List

Yes Freddie. Now you know, while you know about my life; you really don’t know me. You don’t know me at all.

What you regard as knowing me, to me is only my biography and nothing more, those are easy things for me to talk about. I have a family, they are how they are and I’ve told you all about them.

So, when you wanted to say something that might make me be more open, my family isn’t one to get me there.

What does this say?

All the while I thought we were getting to know each other, it seems you really weren’t getting to know me. I must say I’m disappointed, a little because I thought of all people you would know me best.

I think I’ve always said,
My thoughts are the only things I can call my own. My feelings are the only things I know can never lead me wrong, no matter how simple, immature or not pleasant, they’re things I can always say are mine and can’t be replicated. To just be…

So simple.

Oh Freddie, it’s not that I don’t care about all I’ve told you but they aren’t my stories, my thoughts, my feelings. Those have other people’s experiences in them and if you asked my family what they thought, their answers wouldn’t be the same as mine; how could you have thought that that was as important to me as well, me?

I, I am how I am and by now I thought, you might have had a little clue.

So to answer your questions, on my list

I. God
II. My Family
III. Freddie
IV.
V.


But Freddie, even if you give up on me, you’ll always be on my list because to me, you’re that person I always told what mattered to me; though now it seems to you it wasn’t something you took seriously.

Post Freddie II: Confession

I have a confession.

I’m addicted to a dream I’ve passed let get hold of my weak spirit.

When we were together, I could see myself stand a little taller and smile easier. Unguarded but only when we were together.

So I’ve become addicted, to what us could do for me. It released me from myself and I was free, those moments when I was holding your hand, I felt calmness even sleep couldn’t provide.

Freddie, how could it not be true?

You know, when I first saw you; I thought the world might be something after all. There is someone I could look at and think I’d like to look at myself as well. Isn’t that love?

My holding onto you, is for the time I know I’ll never have when you’re not with me. It’s selfish, I know this but I’ve always been.

I, I was only starting to get to know me without whispers interrupting. I was getting to know myself for the first time since I realized I’m a human being, alive and meant to live.

I’m sorry, the dream took hold of me and I couldn’t hold onto the person making the dream come true. This I regret.

Midst Freddie II: Drowning

Sorry.

You called today and I was absent. It’s the first time I’m ignoring you, I don’t know what to say. You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m there at that place I go frequently and never take anyone with.

I’m sad but my sadness has nothing to do with you. I told you this before, I thought it wouldn’t happen now since I’ve been so happy lately but I guess I was wrong.

I want to be alone Freddie, I want to be alone.

I’m hurting myself and fighting hard to get back to you. I promise I am, just give me some time. After a few songs, dragons, magic and some romance books; I’ll be back. Be patient with me.

I know what you’re going to say; I shouldn’t hide myself when I’m drowning but of all things, I don’t want to see myself through your eyes when I’m barely holding onto myself. Please…

I’m sorry.

I can’t promise it won’t happen again. What does this mean for us then because I know I don’t want to loose you. You’re leading me back, your memories are paving a way for me to follow. I promise I’ll be back soon, no later than our next date.

We’re still identifying ourselve as a couple, so I’ll tell you later on in detail what’s wrong with me.

I don’t ever wanna lie to you.

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