Pre Freddie II: Loneliness

Often, while alone or surrounded by people; I would look around what surrounded me and pity myself for how all of it made me feel.

Do you know Freddie, I’d trace my hand on my face like how a lover would or how my mother would and found, it pierced my heart no matter who I compared it too. My touch and theirs caused such pain to me, why couldn’t I accept their affection?

Why did it feel so burdensome like I’d have to repay it later?

I was that person.

Standing under the rain, and let my tears run because the world just locked me inside my head but I could still laugh and try to catch raindrops. Doing this all the time, confused me profoundly. It killed whatever spark would try to rise and made me doubt my thoughts. If what I did and felt were never in cohorts; then who was I really?

And I know nobody’s to blame for that. Luckily I saw you that one time, and wrote you that letter for the first time; I was just really talking to myself in a way I never could.

You helped me. You still do.

It was never about you reading anything or not, just that I could be honest with myself for once, see my state of mind for what it was, how it was…even though it was always temporary, the release helped me greatly. I was alone but didn’t mind it.

Gradually, I didn’t mind my own thoughts and when they got overwhelming; still couldn’t win; there was a way for me to just bare it easier.

See, without knowing me; you were already holding my hand.

It never was about you loving me or not, it was about that peace and belonging I couldn’t find even if I tried.

Midst Freddie

I’m in love with you.
I love you.

Do you know, you’re my world. I don’t mean it in a I’m trying to be flamboyant way but literally all I see and care about is you.

I don’t think I can ever explain it in a way that would make sense. But you see Freddie, I don’t keep memories. I try to hold onto some for as long as I can; good or bad but they never last. Soon what was the worst day of my life seems to have never happened and what was one of the best days of my life suddenly isn’t actually anything.

Unless it has to do with you…

I remember the first time I saw you.
I remember the first thing you ever said to me.
I remember how you make me feel and fight with myself to keep that feeling.

I love you.

It’s a simple thing really, I was alive before you came into my life but now I want to live.

I want to smile and feel that smile after it’s left.
I want to pick petty fights with you over what shape the cloud is.
I want to argue about the best colour that goes better with you eyes.
All the things that make my heart skip a beat, with your I want to overdo them.

I’m in love with Freddie, me; I’m in love with you.

I hope now that I’ve realized it, I cherish it for what it means to me and never let myself win. I shouldn’t…

Keep me. Please do.

Pre Freddie

Did I ever tell you, I saw you smile from afar once and that smile centred me.

I’d never seen anyone in my life be that light I could focus on. It intrigued me and decided for me before we even met. Naturally, I wanted to know the mind behind that brilliance. Because I’m an obsessive person by nature, I followed you till that smile was aimed at me.

You might know this now, how I grew up and where I grew up. To me everything was always about what can be done next for tomorrow to be more promising. So happiness was a leisure I’d never quite got a hold on.

Seeing you so open and relaxed, for the first time I took note of someone and wanted to be noticed too.

The point is,

Before you even had a place for me in your life, your smile was already my dream catcher. All I had to do when I felt myself drown was close my eyes and you’d be there, anchoring me.

How could something like that ever be simple?

You, my dear Freddie even without us being romantically entangled, are the person holding me sane.

I can’t change that now. I don’t think I ever want to. And I know you might find it unfair to you but I’m this person, this person that without you, without knowing you’re out there, without knowing you’re living; no matter who you’re living with…

Would be drowning in too many maybes, to many what can I do, who am I and why am I here.

It’s nice knowing you, Freddie.

Post Freddie

Freddie,

For so long you held on, I can finally admit that and put the blame on myself. I can’t be regretful now it’ll demean what I felt, I can’t apologise when moments we spent together gave you a lifeline to walk a little further with me.

I, I don’t know what to say.

Lately, I thought explaining myself would make both our hurt lessen but it’s lie I’m not willing to say out loud. I wronged us both, letting who I can be get in the way of who I wanted to be. It was never a conscious choice; I realize you knew this and that might be why you could smile while you were hurting.

I feel weak. I feel so very weak.

When I think of how you always looked at me, I’m seeing that look for what it meant. You were pleading, begging for me to look outside my head and I guess I wasn’t that strong yet. It doesn’t mean you weren’t enough, it just means the time wasn’t aligning with our wants.

I looked at you, it pained me too. Because what I felt and how I acted were two different things. I don’t know why… I can never understand why.

I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to say it but I feel I should say it at least once.

You did the best thing for us when you left. Hurting you while feeling so deeply for you was the worst relationship for me. If anything, know I had love for you; that was never a problem.

I only didn’t have love for myself when I was with you. Seeing you loving me as you did, drove me mad with jealousy. It made me wonder why,

Why I couldn’t love myself that way.

Freddie, Dear Love

It was love that went astray
And I spent many moons
Surfing, unlocking
These messages
Hints I missed
While my eyes were open
And my ears were listening
How could I have?
Why didn’t I?
I can’t answer myself
And now you’re gone
Dear love,

Freddie, why don’t you remember?
Our hands together
Were warm and I could live there
As did you
Those days when I knew
My thoughts called you to me
Without any hassle
And we belonged
Not only to ourselves
But those that will still hold hands
Months to come, the stars drew
Dear love,

#1 Freddie

Hey Freddie,

When people talk about regret, I never realized it could be impersonal or something else, something really ugly you just have to dissociate from.

You and I are regret. More me since it doesn’t touch you like it has me. Maybe the pain is speaking louder than what we meant, it doesn’t make it any less true.

I’ve been trying, all this while to forget, to move past but you are who you are, there’s no forgetting.

I’m sorry.

I’m rambling once again, something I do when it comes to you. It’s not the rambling that bothers me, it’s how I have so much to say, how I feel so much yet can’t save myself from all those things that start with me. After all, I’m living this life.

We never met.
Wouldn’t that have been better?

Yours Truly,
Unsigned

You can leave now, Freddie.

You can’t leave.

I listened, you told me I don’t know what love is, I stayed, without covering my ears to what you had to say. Didn’t I listen enough?

How can I not know? Those books I read
I immersed myself in them
Cried, would feel with them to
Wasn’t I living?
The feelings they left
Opinions you say, don’t they matter?
Aren’t they me in the end?
The romantic…

Freddie, I’ve been with men. They left I know. But there was love, fleeting yet it left impressions. How can once be enough? Where were you then, soulmate?

You can’t leave

Here, I’m trying to tell you

One time. Were it sold, you think
I’d have bought only once?
Your precious one, the one
Crying, remember words you said angry
Think I’d forget, no matter what love is?
Hurt is hurt. So it lessens with time
Life does too

I’m sorry, maybe I’m still young, clinging to you tightly you can’t breathe. Please, listen to this.

I am trying, for us both to remember our happier moments but that glint in your eyes, I can’t erase it. Its overpowering

Maybe you should leave
It’s as you said, I don’t know love.

It started differently
That I will say
Forgive me in the end
I can’t let go
And hiding that, was my mistake

I loved us, what my thoughts painted. And I’ve lived that us, without you now I realize. Those books you hate, what they’ve given me, I took it too seriously. What does that make me?

Don’t leave.

It’s my heart speaking.
If my lips could say the same…

Freddie, love. Truly

Were I was wrong, what would you say you were?

Don’t answer. I’ll prefer to remain ignorant on that. I love the us I lived without you.

You can leave now.

Midst Freddie: Freddie wants what?

Here Freddie,

Take my hand, it belongs to you. I’ve been trying to hold onto my sanity but my fingers can’t wrap around such an elusive entity. My hand can’t hold onto what is mine without yours being a priority.

Tell it what to do, Freddie. Tell it, or I’ll spend my life wondering why everything always slipped through my fingers. Please Freddie, just…

Do you know, I tried to write my story Freddie but I can’t remember who I am. Who I was is what I see when I travel back and it’s written is such a language, growth cannot be possible only change. What have you done?

Freddie you, you…So I took your face, was that my fault? You knew who I was when you looked at me side ways, my right side smiled more often and you spoke only to who you thought I was. How could I Freddie, when I’ve never trusted myself…

Freddie you, you…

I’m a two faced woman you say. Freddie. Freddie. Freddie.

Listen, I told you from the beginning I was still finding myself. So I laughed to hide my faults, who could’ve been there to wipe away tears that I never knew to shed?

Take everything Freddie

No, not everything; take forever too.

You know I’m on the road away from sleep. Sleep Freddie sleep, searching for feelings you’re telling me I’m supposed to have. Whoever she was, even the mirror doesn’t recognize her. Or have you taken her too and are deliberately killing me with this chase?

Now my sleep, I miss it being away but its turned into a blank page with no face, its turning into you.

Freddie, remember I’d last slept next to you, maybe in my rest I sunk into you.

I don’t know Freddie, I want to give you what your anger seems to take but you, you make me search for stars you claim you saw when the sun was out and I wasn’t looking through your eyes then.

Oh Freddie, you don’t know. I buried your face far beneath with our moments that no one knows about. We are truly a secret now. How long will you punish me, can’t my hand be enough compensation as I’m never going to hold onto anything any longer?

You loved me once Freddie, remember, this two faced woman. You once loved she could cry and laugh at once. What changed?

I know, I know! You met someone, forget me then?

Dear Freddie…

Freddie used to…

I have turned my back, haven’t I Freddie?

I dance alone so I’m looked at as something else, don’t I Freddie?

You tell me what to do, in this day and age where you’re nothing literal, being literal is taken as offense and not what I meant it to be.

I didn’t mean to sound stupid Freddie, dumb I mean Freddie listen…

My eyes were blue once upon a time, weren’t they Freddie?

Not in colour, but in spirit you once said.

When I smiled I remember, when I smiled there was an artist who was always sitting close to my apartment, he’d take out his sketch book and draw me in immortality. Only when I smiled, didn’t he Freddie?

I heard he died. Back when he used to look at me even saying hello to him seemed costly to me. But now when there’s no one looking, I find myself missing him. I never even asked him his name, let alone go to his funeral; at least bid him farewell but that too would have been something of a favour for me, ask him once before his soul left what he saw in me when my face transformed. Only once, just one time…

I’m living as ghosts used to live, aren’t I Freddie?

My loved ones, I have not died yet and there is a matter I wish to talk to you about.

But I’m dead, aren’t I Freddie?

Who’s there, I hear it in my head. Who walks around here saying their thoughts out loud to no one in particular. Are you insane to be that free, to be that joyous, to walk around in colours so bright you can even talk to yourself and no one raises an eyebrow. Who are you?

Are you listening Freddie?

I know I have changed your name, you left me no choice when you got married, left me no one to talk to even papers left with you. You could’ve told me you were in love. By our mutual lives that are past now, that love we used to share, you could’ve drawn your intentions if you feared I would take your voice.

You left me, didn’t you Freddie?

I wonder where you are, now that my back is turned. I wonder if you’re looking for my face and all you’re seeing is what used to be hair but now…isn’t.

I lied before Freddie, I did go to his funeral. His mother wanted to bury me with him, said he’d given me all his love and I failed to give him anything even my hate.

I wonder, truly I wonder if maybe she didn’t bury me with him and somehow I didn’t see.

Freddie…