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The colour is lavender,
not brisk purple or clouded shift
of the intertwining shades of pink and blue
but lavender, far seen in flowers
the delicate
like the first kiss when retold one could claim
might have been stolen yet by blushing
the profession tells there’s yearn;
anticipation for one that’s making it’s trip.
It’s lavender, surreal of a softness
my mother’s humming gospel each Sunday morning
or father’s ever silent presence
the feeling of a homely place
regardless where we’d get next month’s rent.
That colour, my harmony’s identify
it’s my welcoming sky
to my dying land and the in between filled
with chaos, care of endless hope.
How it calms my sight but doesn’t blind
let’s me the unsettled think for a moment
beyond blue and white
but there, that next step to take
The colour is lavender.

Moments ago

That Gut Wrenching Poetry

I have not forgotten.
I’ve only mislead myself into a numbness
My thoughts can’t colour through

What do I tell you about the first man I met?
I remember I met him.

When chasing love, I collected no memories
Of the trials I kissed and tossed after my heart
Failed me once again. It didn’t beat.
I listened only to sighs and they weren’t there with him.

My second man or third?
They blurred together. Which did I want to cling
Onto moment longer, enough for a picture to be taken?
I cannot remember. Maybe I was naked with them.?

What else can I say?
Love is a venture

I have not forgotten
Like I wake up every morning to salute the Almighty
My love letters are a thing quite necessary
Its all my wishes in a font but…
But a woman wants a home.

There hasn’t been a last…

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Resolutions Stood Up.

I’ve abandoned self proclamations
Those,
They don’t sleep but follow me in my sleep;
Who’s the thief?
I abandoned them.
They chased me for over a year
that year I’ve not thrown it’s calendar away,
mhm; did I somehow pick up baggage of my
resolutions, the resolutions that have never seen fireworks?
The crap then belongs within me.
Abandonment.

I’m motivated,
this is the first ever heard lie by my conscious self
but it’s not a lie, I want to be motivated.
My lazy ass has gotten of bed each day
Not touching the floor barefoot, not touching the floor
With slippers on; maybe I never did get off the bed;
There’s a pile I need to sort,
I listened to motivation.
There, my chest feels light…

Crucial moments are revelations.
Are these issues brought by lost time,
top off my head, I didn’t meet any deadline
and now over twenty five;
do I hear some clock ticking or
no accolades, it rings to me I’m wasting breath
I don’t own? Abandonments!
Those,
Take one step at a time…
To die tomorrow.

There’s still a decade to go?
Twenty thirty two?
My head’s already bowed.

I have abandoned self proclamations.
Today, tomorrow; tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…

Identity

To be found, has forever been eternal end
Not at the end of the earth, far beyond the ocean
Seeing your face changing form, swimming into other faces but to no man’s land
Where your voice is not heard
And you have forgotten your tale
Its being found that has ties difficult to fathom
To cling to when your sleep has never been friendly
Near land, lavishly green and you see life in tomorrow
I wanted to be found, my voice melodious

But you see that shape, it’s a star behind my past
I point it for direction, tell you where I lost
And when you become smart, start to pay attention
to a fool that painted her dreams for all to see
Its when you learn to hope, I can be found
Only I haven’t painted, silence has took me in

Do you know who tells a story
A girl without a name, child in sense
Yet beneath her manners, dull isn’t who she is
Its her words that are ignored, held captive by
Hopelessness she sees valuable, she becomes a woman
Captured fully only by her love
That is where she goes, where she lives, where she’s
Beautiful and needs no retelling, its there a girl has miscoloured eyes, one for each of her selves
There she finds identity

And as I hope to live this life
Accordingly to destiny’s own fortune, I can be a rogue
Travel apparent my image, but not my true form
walk slowly so I’m partnered with strangers
I’ll have tales they willingly take
Mine as theirs but true only to myself
Its then to be found, will forever be eternity
Stay where it belongs, with my future
Rebelliously I will sleep, to see my star at the corner of the earth, talk about it to the listeners
I will be found…

If Tomorrow Never Came

If tomorrow never came
mother and I will seat, across one another
woman to woman, exchange our regrets
though I know I’m hers, I still want to hear

She hadn’t meant for me to be
thus my reprimanded child memories
and father hadn’t been her love
I saw it, even young I felt it

If tomorrow never came
my son would get a letter, a confession of sorts
The secret life he lead at night
camouflaging himself, and I don’t mean his looks

I saw him, I wasn’t meant to
there, fondling a bearded being, muscular too
they knew each other, I closed my eyes and felt tears
I boxed him mistakenly, he’ll never read it

If tomorrow never came
that man, the one didn’t give me children
He’ll know of my heart, how it crushed
we only ever shared kisses

But here, I’ll tell him the story
I wrote through my knowing him
a book with anonymous signature, the one he bought
not knowing he recognized himself

And if tomorrow never came
She will awake, after sleeping beauty
perhaps with her beauty and magic,
lift all the heaviness off my shoulders

Her outer persona, this weakling
and her demons will rest in peace
The life, it wasn’t the one written
Hopefully, she’ll understand. I lived a nothing

Well Crafted Heartbreak.

https://za.pinterest.com/pin/300404237654009711/

Oh, I’m an eclipse?
this, is this heartache crying?

You tell me,
who’s heart I trampled;
when mine’s beat
had never withstood
harshness of change
within a day.

I, I loved you…
I loved how it seemed
it was your well crafted piece
only saying my name,
the call in it went beyond
just my name being called.

Take this, take it all.
This, this is what I would’ve wasted
in form of tears.
Now, they’re only a tug
and haven’t been embroidered
in indecisions, corruption;
both our individuality.

But before I can claim,
any brightness attached to my first tasting;
I’m not an eclipse.
To us, if we were to recollect
our memories similarly,
I would be a stagnant time;
bound by weakness
and overthrown by change.

Related to us…

I, I loved you.
I loved your hurried steps
like bundled years that let me to you.
You didn’t notice but,
I, I always counted
yet every time our toes met;
it felt we’d already lived out our time.
Tragic desires
That fulfilled their passion.

You tell me,
When I became an eclipse…

After Dark.

I guess you could conclude
deceiving the dead has its merits,
It lets you hear your mistakes
at their most vulnerable
and your heart when it’s close to explode
You could say,
betraying right before a peak
is not outright evil but
epitome of how human selfishness
can truly reveal its magnificence.

– (after dark),

This is to say,
If I were to die suddenly;
won’t you remember me?

Nakedness

Photo by Daria Shevtsova on Pexels.com

I learned to lie behind a mirror
but before a mirror,
I learned my learning behind it was for naught.
Because before a mirror,
I could only ever be;
the girl in the mirror.

If Not, Reprimand Me.

Would you blame me Father?
for not listening to their teachings of you,
how they told me to love you
but would rather I follow my heart?
And held resentment in my human heart
for differences I noticed between me
and those who are said to be blessed,
not said by anyone in particular but
my eyes where I think those in your
favour are ought to stand?
Would you blame me,
when I think of you,
my eyes fill with tears that contain
much loneliness in this life;
detestment of this life
I wonder if for you I was ever a shining star
amongst your trillions of brighter shining stars?
For wanting reassurance
and asking for that testament
in those that are materialistic though
my soul is content with only seeing the sun?
Would you blame me Father?
as you’ve seen how I’ve fallen under
the judgment of their eyes and
can no longer proudly claim myself
since I have nothing to put forth as tribute?
This has turned my side of the relationship bitter,
do you blame me,
having love for you that’s been corroded
by what being human is and I thought
I could overcome by believing in you wholeheartedly
yet have succumbed to this monetary world?
Is my love for you only selfish Father?
Do you blame,
because when I’m alone lost in thought;
I blame myself.

Our Innocence presents Selfishness.

How you said,
between us; our meeting time and place
is closer to our souls resting,
not dying but rejoicing on;
how our eyes will start to chase
the journey of a shooting star
this is,
how you said;
when we met, it couldn’t have only been
clouds clapping hands or
winds from China seas racing
to tangle with those at the African front,
we met and;
I might have forgotten to lift, secure my past
past the prying eyes of life,
and the bearer of our simplicity;
falling in love?