Loved, Lover

I can’t stop
one step to breathing again
find myself peeking
Through my heart
Inside Pandora’s box
All the moments with you
Album labelled “could’ve been mine”
I’m in that ocean once more
Trying to swim
Remembering not to breathe
Your eyes in my sight
Want to close my eyes
You voice in my ears
Want to scream for rescue
But I’m overwhelmed with memories
Life we’d painted
I wanna stop
This expired love
Scripted in my dreams
Going to sleep is my enemy
How to forget my heartbeat?
When I breathe I remember
Comes familiar faces, tears
Who do I cry for?
Knowing compulsion so strong
Why aren’t you forgettable?

I wasn’t enough
Once you looked at me
And forever lasted a second
While its become my every day
Where can you be erased?
In another’s eyes
With the same colour
But your face is all I see
Will I live singing
I knew one-sided love?
Tell me what changed?
I can’t stop
Even while ignoring you
My treacherous mind
Takes me back
I’m unguided
Hungering for one last time
I could her
One last time, I could be more
Look at me, I wanna stop
But where do I go?
Burn who I am
Only to forget you
How’d you win?
In moving on, while I’m still
At your doorstep
Counting “I love you.”
A hundred times
This lifetime
I wanna stop…

Here but missing, Father

I waited by the door,
My father’s steps took days to fade

Before his gift could find a lover
I took to heart his booming voice

Father, I’m happy lying to you
The woman I will be, I will write apologies for

I wait by the window
But my heart, knows to run hide by the wall

Ours is a relationship long forgotten
When have I ever been your only child?

The sun goes to sleep, wakes once again
And the tree’s shadow chased me out

The holidays that have passed
And your name is one I held onto

I waited by the yard
The flowers that once had life, now dead fish

There could’ve been a tree house
Only, only if I’d had your hands to hold

Your footsteps I wonder when they faded
Now, I’ve taken to trying to remember who you are

With so many faces surrounding my chubby face
I waited, waited until only wrinkles on my face

Her voice would draw me back, today and now
But for any achievement, your voice I missed

Yesterday had been my birthday
Your little girl Father, grown an inch but not with you

Father, I’m calling
Remember her

I waited on the roof seeing from many miles
Trinkets, daddy and daughter. Could’ve been us…

I waited in my dreams
Taking my last breath, waiting for you to speak.

Air and Angels by John Donne

This reminded me of my school days.

Twice or thrice had I lov’d thee, 
Before I knew thy face or name; 
So in a voice, so in a shapeless flame 
Angels affect us oft, and worshipp’d be; 
         Still when, to where thou wert, I came, 
Some lovely glorious nothing I did see. 
         But since my soul, whose child love is, 
Takes limbs of flesh, and else could nothing do,
         More subtle than the parent is 
Love must not be, but take a body too; 
         And therefore what thou wert, and who, 
                I bid Love ask, and now 
That it assume thy body, I allow, 
And fix itself in thy lip, eye, and brow. 

Whilst thus to ballast love I thought, 
And so more steadily to have gone, 
With wares which would sink admiration, 
I saw I had love’s pinnace overfraught; 
         Ev’ry thy hair for love to work upon 
Is much too much, some fitter must be sought;
         For, nor in nothing, nor in things 
Extreme, and scatt’ring bright, can love inhere; 
         Then, as an angel, face, and wings 
Of air, not pure as it, yet pure, doth wear, 
         So thy love may be my love’s sphere; 
                Just such disparity 
As is ‘twixt air and angels’ purity, 
‘Twixt women’s love, and men’s, will ever be. 

Three in Her.

My loves, you have wanted to know me
My intimate thoughts, here we go…

I could have talked to whomever
The day before
That day
The day after
I should have, and eventually maybe I will

First came dark.
I’ve been following you too much lately
You seem to have lost your path
I’m only a little behind,
Will you outrun me?

If I could wake
To relive this life
I’d choose to die
The day I was born

Delusion was second.
I come and go, can you catch me
Make me a reality or am I
Outpacing your reality?
I could not be real, am I?

Mother asked me once
Would I marry a man
As my father is
Staring at a mirror
I had my answer
That is I though
I am my father’s daughter

Even from afar, your hold
On me makes my heart beat faster
And I turn on my side
To bare the brunt of such pain
My heartbeat a labyrinth of hurt
What I gave but could never get back

And last was dream.
I am strength where your hope will arise
You have been waiting too long to embrace me
Here I am, love…be with me.

The dress made of my experiences
I wear it when I’m made to kneel
Shades my eyes could never reflect
Black, grey, white
I am her, hers in three.

Lying beautifully

A lie is beautiful
The woman I can love
Eat from her bowl
Forgotten, but needed
Lend her tears
Recover them at night
When her pillow is
Scribbling dreams
I will hear of a good
morning
When a lie is in need
the woman I
I’ve cursed
Worn high heeled shoes
To look her down
without frown, only to praise
Myself for the new story
My love has turned
out to be
A new side of my face
Dripping with gifts I stole
When her spirits chased
after me
I would have loved her
But this could be the lie
It’s me I stab once the
the curtains
Are drawn, me I drown
In the mud my face was
immortalized
To be beautiful with
rotten words
Heard by a heart
without a voice
I needed a lie, who am I?
To lie beautifully

Corrupted Poetry: Muse

I was going through all the pieces I’ve posted so far and came across this, just brought me back to the me three years ago.

That Gut Wrenching Poetry

Some days, loving you from afar
My far, countries away
My chest constrict, the little box squashed
by the mail’s man bicycle. The air sucked out
of my chest, hollow bones met their heads in way
to let me breathe in, not knowing my suffocation
when I hurt, mellow from longing. I cry, alone on a
sinking bed, the one gave me cramps, pain and my
pimples aching from the scratching they suffered.
I see it, false hope and in my head I admit it is
false but naivety, still believing Cinderella
lived a happy life, paid out at the end. I
hurt, you don’t know perhaps you do
but I hurt, I hear you when I have
my headphones on trying to block out the cold
in my stomach, massacred the butterfly ceremony
I’d let free for the night, your song plays on nonchalantly.
Its your voice, on top…

View original post 565 more words

Yours Bewitched

I opened my eyes
And my heart already
Belonged to a man
Liquid honey eyed
Tried to stir my feelings
To others I could call
And their names ring true
But this man, this man
My soul ran to, held to
Wouldn’t let go
Begged hauntingly, aimlessly
Loneliness without my heart
Overwhelming, choking me
His arms absent, to be my comfort
And my home his arms
I could hear his voice
At night under the stars
Trying to rest, by my lonesome
I could hear him whisper
“You’re mine, I could never let you go”
To be his, sentiment unreturned
Yet where was him?
Feeling lost, my thoughts wondering
Then where was he?
When these thoughts turned
Their back on life
Waiting for him to warrant
Them peace, dream I had
Which curse could it be?
Who are you?
If I’m not yours in truth
And crazy I say, yours empty

Moments ago

I have not forgotten.
I’ve only mislead myself into a numbness
My thoughts can’t colour through

What do I tell you about the first man I met?
I remember I met him.

When chasing love, I collected no memories
Of the trials I kissed and tossed after my heart
Failed me once again. It didn’t beat.
I listened only to sighs and they weren’t there with him.

My second man or third?
They blurred together. Which did I want to cling
Onto moment longer, enough for a picture to be taken?
I cannot remember. Maybe I was naked with them.?

What else can I say?
Love is a venture

I have not forgotten
Like I wake up every morning to salute the Almighty
My love letters are a thing quite necessary
Its all my wishes in a font but…
But a woman wants a home.

There hasn’t been a last man
I will tell you, now though in my dreams
I no longer see his face.
Someone I cannot say exists…

After the beginning.

I have sorrow in my thoughts, built my own mind to trick me into submission. All those fantasies…

Remember when I recalled conversations that never took place, when I went into slumber to gather my wits, I fell then, I’m a victim.

Who do I feel sorry for most?

My truth has come
My thoughts are going
My truth has turned
round and round, in circles
avoiding the space reality lies
My thoughts are on going
in such a pace, they’re their own form
yet to be named into something acceptable
shelled as everything else
What will it be, those are my thoughts
My truth is also a shadow
hidden in cliché persona
walking in lines already discovered
only to be defined

I can’t tell you who I am when my thoughts aren’t gathered to be described, what do I know, which is real?

I am mean to myself, to the only one who could ever be honest and I can’t cry for her. That is where I am.

What else is there to say, everything is said yet not understood, what else could be there to say?

Because I can’t decide (Drew)

If I were a star,
knowing my belonging
My worth a print of
My beauty you can look
at and shine my love…

A love letter would befall you while you slept, not much said only the briefest confession
I can only say so much without it losing its meaning

If I were a sky
loved by many
belonging to all
glanced at with too
much and too less
emotions of all
when I’m looked at….

A goodbye letter would take its trip to your hands, written in nonchalance scribble of a machine
The dead poet’s words, “I couldn’t say I can’t love you -”

And if I were precious
to my soul knew scriptures
of pure feelings swelling
in hearts of many before
I and many with me
skirting backward
to I’m happy alone…

A wall of forgetfulness would be guard of my memories, your life worlds away mine, you’d smile
I’d flinch my “try again” too noticeable to your conscious

I’m gone into my life inside a well
You’re too precious
You’re a star
You’re the sky

I’m a shadow behind your Godly self
You belong
You’re loved
You’re pure

And I haven’t slept at nights
guarding my star
Where you are
sleep well, and goodbye too soon
Loved by a no named woman