Tomorrow and I quarrel
But hearing myself laugh
I know
I’m not deceived.

Midst Freddie IV: The List

Yes Freddie. Now you know, while you know about my life; you really don’t know me. You don’t know me at all.

What you regard as knowing me, to me is only my biography and nothing more, those are easy things for me to talk about. I have a family, they are how they are and I’ve told you all about them.

So, when you wanted to say something that might make me be more open, my family isn’t one to get me there.

What does this say?

All the while I thought we were getting to know each other, it seems you really weren’t getting to know me. I must say I’m disappointed, a little because I thought of all people you would know me best.

I think I’ve always said,
My thoughts are the only things I can call my own. My feelings are the only things I know can never lead me wrong, no matter how simple, immature or not pleasant, they’re things I can always say are mine and can’t be replicated. To just be…

So simple.

Oh Freddie, it’s not that I don’t care about all I’ve told you but they aren’t my stories, my thoughts, my feelings. Those have other people’s experiences in them and if you asked my family what they thought, their answers wouldn’t be the same as mine; how could you have thought that that was as important to me as well, me?

I, I am how I am and by now I thought, you might have had a little clue.

So to answer your questions, on my list

I. God
II. My Family
III. Freddie

But Freddie, even if you give up on me, you’ll always be on my list because to me, you’re that person I always told what mattered to me; though now it seems to you it wasn’t something you took seriously.

Struggler By Marvel Jay

Am I a struggler?

Because I can’t tell spring from summer
When the trees are on full blossom
I go to our neighbours house for fruit
And when they shed their no longer needed leaves,
I’m told to bare for the fruit I ate
Pick those leaves and see to them?

Because I’ve never seen snow
And winter only let’s me get a new thing
But I’ve never truly seen autumn
I can’t tell if I’ve ever taken a picture there
When it rains, I worry for my roof
Last rainy days, we slept besides buckets
Some with our blankets wet
And the season’s forever been cursed
It told us what we already knew.

Am I a beggar?

I’ve never seen the ocean
And the mountains bare no trees
While the rivers are a wild myth
Harbouring a creature that eats what steps near
Because the world has many sights I’ve heard of
Yet I can’t count those I’ve seen on my single hand

Because I’ve read the moon is a place
But I know I’ll never step foot on
I wish I knew to describe the sun intelligently
When to me It’d forever be just light
And the sky seem beyond my reach
The clouds too untouchable
Yet those with worth, have long known to be above clouds

Am I a struggler?

Never having had a birthday cake
Thinking back, not remembering my childhood
Secretly asking, couldn’t I’ve had a choice being here?
Had my parents ever loved one another
Children they were, was I a choice
Or were they told, for their dabbling
Responsibilities must be carried
Because I wish to know,
Could I take this life
For my consent was not given to begin it?

When I look in the mirror,
I see an image I’d not think twice to change
Not ugly but dirty from all that’s fallen
How I can’t care to tell myself I did do
While I failed, my trying was my way of living
Because I followed my heart
And that heart found itself someone else
I was left alone, wondering how was I wrong?

Post Freddie II: Confession

I have a confession.

I’m addicted to a dream I’ve passed let get hold of my weak spirit.

When we were together, I could see myself stand a little taller and smile easier. Unguarded but only when we were together.

So I’ve become addicted, to what us could do for me. It released me from myself and I was free, those moments when I was holding your hand, I felt calmness even sleep couldn’t provide.

Freddie, how could it not be true?

You know, when I first saw you; I thought the world might be something after all. There is someone I could look at and think I’d like to look at myself as well. Isn’t that love?

My holding onto you, is for the time I know I’ll never have when you’re not with me. It’s selfish, I know this but I’ve always been.

I, I was only starting to get to know me without whispers interrupting. I was getting to know myself for the first time since I realized I’m a human being, alive and meant to live.

I’m sorry, the dream took hold of me and I couldn’t hold onto the person making the dream come true. This I regret.

Midst Freddie II: Drowning


You called today and I was absent. It’s the first time I’m ignoring you, I don’t know what to say. You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m there at that place I go frequently and never take anyone with.

I’m sad but my sadness has nothing to do with you. I told you this before, I thought it wouldn’t happen now since I’ve been so happy lately but I guess I was wrong.

I want to be alone Freddie, I want to be alone.

I’m hurting myself and fighting hard to get back to you. I promise I am, just give me some time. After a few songs, dragons, magic and some romance books; I’ll be back. Be patient with me.

I know what you’re going to say; I shouldn’t hide myself when I’m drowning but of all things, I don’t want to see myself through your eyes when I’m barely holding onto myself. Please…

I’m sorry.

I can’t promise it won’t happen again. What does this mean for us then because I know I don’t want to loose you. You’re leading me back, your memories are paving a way for me to follow. I promise I’ll be back soon, no later than our next date.

We’re still identifying ourselve as a couple, so I’ll tell you later on in detail what’s wrong with me.

I don’t ever wanna lie to you.


Pre Freddie II: Loneliness

Often, while alone or surrounded by people; I would look around what surrounded me and pity myself for how all of it made me feel.

Do you know Freddie, I’d trace my hand on my face like how a lover would or how my mother would and found, it pierced my heart no matter who I compared it too. My touch and theirs caused such pain to me, why couldn’t I accept their affection?

Why did it feel so burdensome like I’d have to repay it later?

I was that person.

Standing under the rain, and let my tears run because the world just locked me inside my head but I could still laugh and try to catch raindrops. Doing this all the time, confused me profoundly. It killed whatever spark would try to rise and made me doubt my thoughts. If what I did and felt were never in cohorts; then who was I really?

And I know nobody’s to blame for that. Luckily I saw you that one time, and wrote you that letter for the first time; I was just really talking to myself in a way I never could.

You helped me. You still do.

It was never about you reading anything or not, just that I could be honest with myself for once, see my state of mind for what it was, how it was…even though it was always temporary, the release helped me greatly. I was alone but didn’t mind it.

Gradually, I didn’t mind my own thoughts and when they got overwhelming; still couldn’t win; there was a way for me to just bare it easier.

See, without knowing me; you were already holding my hand.

It never was about you loving me or not, it was about that peace and belonging I couldn’t find even if I tried.

Quicksand from Beautiful Reborn Flower

The body temperature I once owned
Who will hug her tightly
The waves of memory are eroding the soul
I can only lick my scars alone

Precious burning expression in her eyes
Who will she look at with deep feelings
The wave of memory pushes me into darkness
I tried hard but couldn’t reach the other side

Memories slowly turn into quicksand
I can’t struggle
I sink deeper and deeper
The more I love, the more I hurt
But I’m loath to give up

Time slowly turns into quicksand
I can no longer struggle
Until the moment of death
I can’t stop missing her.

Midst Freddie

I’m in love with you.
I love you.

Do you know, you’re my world. I don’t mean it in a I’m trying to be flamboyant way but literally all I see and care about is you.

I don’t think I can ever explain it in a way that would make sense. But you see Freddie, I don’t keep memories. I try to hold onto some for as long as I can; good or bad but they never last. Soon what was the worst day of my life seems to have never happened and what was one of the best days of my life suddenly isn’t actually anything.

Unless it has to do with you…

I remember the first time I saw you.
I remember the first thing you ever said to me.
I remember how you make me feel and fight with myself to keep that feeling.

I love you.

It’s a simple thing really, I was alive before you came into my life but now I want to live.

I want to smile and feel that smile after it’s left.
I want to pick petty fights with you over what shape the cloud is.
I want to argue about the best colour that goes better with you eyes.
All the things that make my heart skip a beat, with your I want to overdo them.

I’m in love with Freddie, me; I’m in love with you.

I hope now that I’ve realized it, I cherish it for what it means to me and never let myself win. I shouldn’t…

Keep me. Please do.

Post Freddie


For so long you held on, I can finally admit that and put the blame on myself. I can’t be regretful now it’ll demean what I felt, I can’t apologise when moments we spent together gave you a lifeline to walk a little further with me.

I, I don’t know what to say.

Lately, I thought explaining myself would make both our hurt lessen but it’s lie I’m not willing to say out loud. I wronged us both, letting who I can be get in the way of who I wanted to be. It was never a conscious choice; I realize you knew this and that might be why you could smile while you were hurting.

I feel weak. I feel so very weak.

When I think of how you always looked at me, I’m seeing that look for what it meant. You were pleading, begging for me to look outside my head and I guess I wasn’t that strong yet. It doesn’t mean you weren’t enough, it just means the time wasn’t aligning with our wants.

I looked at you, it pained me too. Because what I felt and how I acted were two different things. I don’t know why… I can never understand why.

I’m sorry. I wasn’t going to say it but I feel I should say it at least once.

You did the best thing for us when you left. Hurting you while feeling so deeply for you was the worst relationship for me. If anything, know I had love for you; that was never a problem.

I only didn’t have love for myself when I was with you. Seeing you loving me as you did, drove me mad with jealousy. It made me wonder why,

Why I couldn’t love myself that way.